31.3.09
eyelashes
there is no exact reason why everything should seem to be shit lately, and yet it is. everything I do sets of a chain reaction of the worst kind and I cannot figure out how to stop it. I am nervous and worried all the time. I think that's why my hair is falling out at an alarmingly high rate. it takes so much effort for me to take those first steps in the morning and to do what I have to. I thought this was what I wanted, and now I am just praying for the end. The only calming thing I can seem to find is to put my hands over my face and open and close my eyes. Eyelashes dragging across my palms. I have locked myself in this place where I have nothing. I see no one. The faces around me in potential social situations are blurred. I count minutes to hours to days to nothing. The count down leads to nothing. Nothing good nothing bad. I just keep repeating the numbers. Sometimes it is overwhelming and I feel like 5s and 7s are crawling down my throat. Other times they are the only thing holding my eyelids open.
even on days that start with dreams of sundays and skies the color of breakfast, when i can't shake the smell of syrup and my fingers seem stained black, i tumble back into the counting and the nervousness. sometimes I think the move will be the answer, so the number sums up to about 2 years 1 month and 9 days, or 769 days, or 18,456 hours. But sometimes I think it won't be enough. What if it follows me there. Or what if that's where it started to begin with. I am counting down from 769 to a date that means nothing. I will get to zero and rejoice to find I have dug myself deeper into what I wanted to escape.
I keep watching the money slide out of the box glowing on the screen, and keep working the hours, but nothing seems to come of it. All of the things that actually matter seem to disappear faster than everything else. No one ever tells you life gets emptier as it goes on. All of the 'best times' of my life are complete lies, and somehow everyone else got it right. Where did I go wrong? Maybe they are right. Maybe it is all my fault. I choose to be this way. I want to be miserable.
Still sounds like bullshit to me.
even on days that start with dreams of sundays and skies the color of breakfast, when i can't shake the smell of syrup and my fingers seem stained black, i tumble back into the counting and the nervousness. sometimes I think the move will be the answer, so the number sums up to about 2 years 1 month and 9 days, or 769 days, or 18,456 hours. But sometimes I think it won't be enough. What if it follows me there. Or what if that's where it started to begin with. I am counting down from 769 to a date that means nothing. I will get to zero and rejoice to find I have dug myself deeper into what I wanted to escape.
I keep watching the money slide out of the box glowing on the screen, and keep working the hours, but nothing seems to come of it. All of the things that actually matter seem to disappear faster than everything else. No one ever tells you life gets emptier as it goes on. All of the 'best times' of my life are complete lies, and somehow everyone else got it right. Where did I go wrong? Maybe they are right. Maybe it is all my fault. I choose to be this way. I want to be miserable.
Still sounds like bullshit to me.
27.3.09
for the first time all week, an okay day.
the book i wanted to read arrived at the library today. yes! for reading material for the bus ride back to my apartment.
i also got news that mtw may come on family vacation this summer. hopefully his work will be understanding and let him have that week. i really really really hope so.
going out tonight with lily hopefully.
rest of this weekend is going to blow.
the book i wanted to read arrived at the library today. yes! for reading material for the bus ride back to my apartment.
i also got news that mtw may come on family vacation this summer. hopefully his work will be understanding and let him have that week. i really really really hope so.
going out tonight with lily hopefully.
rest of this weekend is going to blow.
23.3.09
bbiiccyyccllee
ratrick events for the past week were great!! I am so glad mosh&brew cincinnati came out, and had a blast. i miss hanging out with everyone already.
little ruby, new bike, is sitting in my room waiting to be worked on. i cannot wait until she is rideable. and i MISS rebikeah!
it was a great week. everything was so much fun. rode a ton, which is so much fun. going out to relax with brian and meeting a bunch of rat patrol people on tuesday was great. yeah! for green beer. Wednesday I saw sunshine cleaning for free, free=sweet. the show was a ton of fun, and beer, oh and delicious cheap pizza by the slice. the games were good. i wish the chariots hadn't broke before ally and I got to go. best thing all night. the cops sitting at a light as we moved to a new location and them saying over the loudspeaker, "you guys are great. we like you better than gangbangers." yes, above gangbangers.
on top of ratricks stuff, and mosh and brew people, bungyecca and kswain came and saw me. lots of lounging and friends watching. and a nice trip to navy pier and ben's for dinner.
great great six days
i hate that its over.
i miss it.
the guys checking jerrys tall bike before his third, and victorious, joust.
it was a great week. everything was so much fun. rode a ton, which is so much fun. going out to relax with brian and meeting a bunch of rat patrol people on tuesday was great. yeah! for green beer. Wednesday I saw sunshine cleaning for free, free=sweet. the show was a ton of fun, and beer, oh and delicious cheap pizza by the slice. the games were good. i wish the chariots hadn't broke before ally and I got to go. best thing all night. the cops sitting at a light as we moved to a new location and them saying over the loudspeaker, "you guys are great. we like you better than gangbangers." yes, above gangbangers.
on top of ratricks stuff, and mosh and brew people, bungyecca and kswain came and saw me. lots of lounging and friends watching. and a nice trip to navy pier and ben's for dinner.
great great six days
i hate that its over.
i miss it.
the guys checking jerrys tall bike before his third, and victorious, joust.
17.3.09
15.3.09
14.3.09
eyeball
everything seems wrong and i hate that. it's all my fault. i don't try hard enough. i "could change it".
they say.
so i spent the day distracting myself. sewing patches on my vest. playing on sammie's mac. now im gonna drink beers and play wii.
maybe i'll make myself forget.
and now i know what i'd look like as a chipmunk...
they say.
so i spent the day distracting myself. sewing patches on my vest. playing on sammie's mac. now im gonna drink beers and play wii.
maybe i'll make myself forget.
and now i know what i'd look like as a chipmunk...
10.3.09
not quite negative
dealing with the crap of 'real' life after a week or so of the way my life should be is hard to swallow. I just hate being back here dealing with the smells and sounds of it all. I just stay busy and bury my head.
I am going to try to keep my chin up, or build some sort of invention that holds it up for me. I just keep looking forward to next week, looking for a jean jacket to make a vest this weekend, getting my back patch, and my new bike I am buying on sunday.
think positive
think positive
think positive
miss you..
I am going to try to keep my chin up, or build some sort of invention that holds it up for me. I just keep looking forward to next week, looking for a jean jacket to make a vest this weekend, getting my back patch, and my new bike I am buying on sunday.
think positive
think positive
think positive
miss you..
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