eyelashes

there is no exact reason why everything should seem to be shit lately, and yet it is. everything I do sets of a chain reaction of the worst kind and I cannot figure out how to stop it. I am nervous and worried all the time. I think that's why my hair is falling out at an alarmingly high rate. it takes so much effort for me to take those first steps in the morning and to do what I have to. I thought this was what I wanted, and now I am just praying for the end. The only calming thing I can seem to find is to put my hands over my face and open and close my eyes. Eyelashes dragging across my palms. I have locked myself in this place where I have nothing. I see no one. The faces around me in potential social situations are blurred. I count minutes to hours to days to nothing. The count down leads to nothing. Nothing good nothing bad. I just keep repeating the numbers. Sometimes it is overwhelming and I feel like 5s and 7s are crawling down my throat. Other times they are the only thing holding my eyelids open.

even on days that start with dreams of sundays and skies the color of breakfast, when i can't shake the smell of syrup and my fingers seem stained black, i tumble back into the counting and the nervousness. sometimes I think the move will be the answer, so the number sums up to about 2 years 1 month and 9 days, or 769 days, or 18,456 hours. But sometimes I think it won't be enough. What if it follows me there. Or what if that's where it started to begin with. I am counting down from 769 to a date that means nothing. I will get to zero and rejoice to find I have dug myself deeper into what I wanted to escape.

I keep watching the money slide out of the box glowing on the screen, and keep working the hours, but nothing seems to come of it. All of the things that actually matter seem to disappear faster than everything else. No one ever tells you life gets emptier as it goes on. All of the 'best times' of my life are complete lies, and somehow everyone else got it right. Where did I go wrong? Maybe they are right. Maybe it is all my fault. I choose to be this way. I want to be miserable.
Still sounds like bullshit to me.